So Tynisha has an infection because she’s so fussy, nose runny, eyes all mucusy, n she just cries n cries :/ I feel sooo bad n terrible that I have nothing to give her! It’s 12am n I refuse to wen ASK Tyson to go out n buy some infant meds. But thankfully right now she’s asleep.

An hour ago, I had a melt down. She wants to be carried but won’t stop crying. I wouldn’t mind carrying her but I have carpal tunnel in my left wrist so it’s difficult to carry her with just my right arm. I carry her pretty much 24/7 n today since my body is weak, my right shoulder feels like its gonna pop out :’( so I had to lay her down n let her cry—it was a long time too. I would pick her up every 2mins but it was so stressful because my wrist was being dumb, n I kept getting mad at myself n everyone—mind you, we’re in our room alone. I especially was mad at Tyson because he couldn’t even check up on me….on his daughter! Yeah I’m the main one who tends to her n can handle, but I too need a break or consideration. While she kept crying, so did I. So much went through my mind. I wanted to do so much awful things…hurt Tyni? Never, just ignoring her but that’s bad enough as it is :( idk what’s come of me…I used to be so strong n carry myself so well. I wouldn’t dare ask for help with TJ, let alone have someone else take over. But with Tyni, I’m a weakling…I feel like a failed as a Mother to her…well, not just yet since in still trying.

When she calmed down from breastfeeding, I lied her down n she opened her eyes n gave a great big cheesy smile with the twinkle in her eye from crying, closed her eyes n went back to sleep. That melted my heart. N made me cry even more for thinking of giving up n doing crazy things to my room. That smile reassured me why I’m a Mother….why im alive. For my kids.

I think about everything!! Even before I speak, I’m thinking of the best way to say it to certain ppl…if I’m mad, I think about the pros n cons of my reaction/action. When I’m stressed/sad, I think of everything that annoys me n take it out on myself….I seriously am hard on myself. I hold things in a lot…n when I do, I think of the ppl who I can vent to n realize I have no friends n get even more depressed!!! I don’t blame my pregnancy for all this depression, it’s just, so many negative things have been happening lately :( but of course this post is my thoughts—you won’t see me bringing this up to anyone :’( so embarrassing

I have no complaints about my kids….just about the relationship I have with Tyson…

I don’t feel like a “family” with him… If its not one thing, it’s another! He’s been home for over a month—unemployed. I’d expect him to relieve me of some daily duties, but he always complains!!! He complains about EVERYTHING!!! Seriously, he’s a complainer…anything small to big, if it annoys him, he won’t shut up about how irritated he is!! He’ll put down everyone n everything before trying to CHANGE n make it work. Example? The Internet. Our room is far from the modem so the connection is shitty, but can’t complain since its free right?!? Well, he makes that little problem into a massive attack….TOWARDS ME! Like its my fault he can’t play a decent round of COD. Fuckn buy your own Internet, right? No, he’ll go on as if the Internet will get better overtime! Smh.

The most hardest thing for him to do…is take care of Tynisha! I’m dead serious! N he says stupid shit too! Especially when she’s crying, he gets so insane! This is anger management 101…foreal.

I’m unhappy with the lifestyle we brought upon ourselves. He doesn’t show love towards me because he’s too busy complaining about stupid shit. I can’t change who he is for what I want…there’s a reason why I chose him, n I need to be reminded of that reason. I compare him to who he was all the time :( its just hard…everything is depressing nowadays that I need him to show the attention. Not necessarily be Romeo, just thoughtful is all. When I’m having a hard time with Tyni, take her from me. When I’m up late tending to her or missing out on dinner, make me a plate or ask if I need anything. I really do need the help….n by doing so, I’m positive I’ll fall in love with him all over again. All this stress is tearing us apart :( especially since he’s unemployed n not collecting unemployment or anything :’(

#junebabyphotoaday Day 2: Meal time—Tynisha AFTER meal time :) (Taken with instagram)

Loving my natural beauty :) (Taken with instagram)

#dimples ☺😍 my mini n me 😘 (Taken with instagram)

Totally didn’t expect to babysit today! Tyson n I were so unorganized n just unprepared! Tomorrow should be a better day though, today was just a test run ^_^

🐫✌ (Taken with instagram)

✌out Hawaii nei (Taken with instagram)

This is so precious!!! Brons is so good with kids, foreal. He was One of the firsts to visit when we brought TJ home from the hospital! He came n helped set up for TJs first bday party, n just so involved. Like he said, anything for family! @zb97 (Taken with instagram)

It’s the sad truth…for me, it’s like everyone who I made plans with for the visit, got together n planned to ignore me n make excuses…foreal…next time I ain’t telling no one n I’m just gonna have a good time. I don’t wanna hear no bs or apologies..smfh lol

The WAS my #ootd 😒 But I changed to jeans instead 😔 lol (Taken with instagram)

How would you treat a friend/family member who is from out of state and visiting your home town?! Would you expect them to visit you, or plan to visit them?!

For me, I feel that it’s only right for the locals to show their visitor a good time or at least MAKE time to share with them. Yeah the visitor should “visit” too but not all visitors have transportation. So common courtesy….ASK if they wanna do something n offer a ride!!! At least that’s what I would do. And me being the ‘visitor,’ I would love to visit everyone but I can’t since I don’t have reliable transportation—I can’t drive myself because Tyni won’t stay in her car seat without crying which means Tyson would have to take me places BUT he doesn’t like to go out of his way unless it benefits him :/ PLUS, the cars that we would use, isn’t always available since everyone here works and have lives too……..I just expected so much from everyone because I thought they’d all think like me :/

What friend flies back to HI just to be at their friend’s graduation!?!? Oh that’s right, ME!!!!! I’m such an awesome friend! But then again, @allahgirl is one too 😘 that’s why I bend over backwards for her 😉 I love you n congrats once again!!! 🎓❤💙 (Taken with instagram)

Tynisha with her Great Grampa Rod (Taken with instagram)